By John O’Sullivan

“Coach, I don’t want to take a penalty shot,” said a very nervous 13 year-old player of mine a few years back. We were in the Oregon Soccer State Cup semifinals, and this talented but not quite confident young girl looked in no mood to take a shot in the penalty shootout to determine whether or not our team advanced to the state finals.

“I’ll take it,” said her teammate Rachel, with a look of determination on her face. I smiled. The player who backed out of shooting was a great player, but not always for the big occasion. Her teammate who volunteered was also very good, but I smiled because she had actually MISSED the deciding penalty kick a year earlier at the same stage of the competition. Yet here she was, unfazed. Of course I let her take the kick (and if you want to know what happened, read on).

Why is it that some players see obstacles and problems as opportunities, while others focus on the negative consequences of failure?

What if our greatest opportunities in life lie right beneath our nose, masked as our biggest problems, our worst failures, and our greatest fears?

These are the questions that are asked in Mark Batterson’s fantastic book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars, which was recommended to me by my friend Joshua Medcalf at Train to be CLUTCH (thanks Joshua, what a book!) The book is written by a Christian pastor, and thus has many references to God and the bible, but regardless if you are a Christian or not this is well worth the read!

In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day tells the story of the Old Testament hero Benaiah, a famous warrior who gained notoriety by literally chasing a lion into an icy, snow filled pit and emerging victorious. Batterson uses that story as a metaphor to explain how life often positions us in the right place at the right time, only in Batterson’s words “the right place seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time.”

As a coach, we want a team full of lion chasers. We want fearless, confident competitors, risk takers, and athletes who are unfazed by pressure.

As a parent, there is perhaps nothing more frustrating then seeing your child presented with a great opportunity, yet paralyzed by fear and uncertainty. When we look back at our own lives, most of our regrets are often the things we didn’t do (inaction), and not the ones we did (action).

Of course we don’t want our children to make some of the same mistakes we did. Yet far more importantly, we don’t want them to miss the opportunities we missed out on. With the perspective of adulthood, we can see what lies before them, and we have the opportunity to create a world for them where they see opportunity instead of problems, and they take the plunge instead of fearing failure. This is especially true when it comes to sports. We don’t want fearful athletes who lack confidence.

WE WANT LION CHASERS!

Sadly, the path I see many parents heading down is not the path of raising a lion chaser. I see three big ways that well-intentioned parents and coaches destroy an athlete’s ability to become a lion chaser.

1. When we see an opportunity and decide to determine our kids goals for them, instead of accepting their goals, we prevent them from becoming lion chasers. They will never develop the autonomy and intrinsic motivation to chase something great if they are chasing after the things we want for them, instead of the things they want for themselves.
2. When we push our kids toward our goals instead of toward their goals, not only do they push back, but they become acutely aware of the fact that they are letting us down over and over. Instead of becoming the passenger on the quest for whatever dreams our children possess, while providing love and support, we become the driver. Pretty soon we may notice they are no longer in the car.
3. Perhaps most damaging, when we protect our kids from failure, when we swoop down and pluck them from every challenge (the helicopter parent) or when we remove all obstacles in their path for them (the lawnmower parent), we prevent them from developing the grit and determination to chase that proverbial lion into the snowy pit.

If we want our athletes to make the most of every opportunity, then we can help them see the opportunities, but they must plunge head first into the challenges through their own volition, and not ours. Our athletes must be the ones who choose to face their fears, and thus achieve success in Batterson’s words by doing “the best with what you have where you are.”

So how can we do this? (Part 2 next month)

John O’Sullivan is the Founder of the Changing the Game Project, and author of the national bestseller Changing the Game: The Parents Guide to Raising Happy, High-Performing Athletes and Giving Youth Sports back to Our Kids. He is a longtime soccer player and coach on the youth, college and professional level, and a nationally known speaker on coaching and parenting in youth sports. His work has appeared in The Huffington Post, Soccer America, and SoccerWire.com, and he recently gave a TED talk on “Changing the Game in Youth Sports.”